I'm Bossy.

A few weeks ago, someone's attempt at "constructive criticism" left me, well, pretty dang depressed and lost. In what was supposed to be a learning experience, the feedback I received was that, along with my grating sense of humor, I'm also mean and intimidating. I take complete ownership of the sense of humor- I know that sarcasm and irony are not everyone's cup of tea. But being called mean is pretty harsh. Especially for a girl. After all, we're not supposed to be "mean". We're supposed to be sweet and accommodating.

When I worked on the Oprah Show, the first words out of people's mouths after I told them about my job, were inevitably "Is she mean?" It drove me absolutely crazy. If you were wondering, the answer is NO. People view Oprah as their BFF, their neighbor, their galpal- and she is. She's America's bestie- It's why she's so successful. But there's another side to her that the general public didn't really see from her TV show, and that is that she is an INCREDIBLY successful businesswoman and CEO. Because she comes across as a down to earth, friend to all on TV, people always seemed to be appalled that she was also a tough woman, an HBIC. If O were a man, though, nobody would have asked if she were mean. After all, a male CEO, especially of a hugely successful corporation SHOULD be intimidating. It's how he gets shizz done, right? The double standard is absolutely infuriating. 

  That brings me to this new campaign, #BanBossy. We all know how I feel about Sheryl Sandberg, which is to say, not good. So when #BanBossy hit the internet this week, I was intrigued, but guarded. But then I saw that Beyoncé was involved so I jumped right onto that bandwagon.

I wish that this had come out before my unfortunate conversation, because I think I could have had a better response. Instead, I just stared, deer in headlights, and walked away having grown approximately 0%. This isn't the first time I've gotten similar feedback. As you'll recall from a post last year, "I used to think you were mean" is a labeling I've carried forever. It's a constant struggle for me, between being seen as "nice" and being respected. No, I don't think it's necessary to be mean to be respected. The people I've respected most in the world were not mean- they are honest. And unfortunately, with women, honest is often equated with mean. I know I have a lot of growing and changing to do, and I certainly can use a little more patience in my life, but I also know that society needs a good kick in the rear, too. I had a really interesting conversation with a friend a few weeks back- I asked why people have repeatedly told me this. I was surprised at her feedback. "People generally assume that conventionally attractive women are outgoing, and when they're introverted like you are, those same people assume you think youre 'too good' for them". It was kind of like a lighbulb went off, or as my girl O would say, an A-Ha moment.

Stubborn. Pushy. Know it all. Aggressive. Control freak. Intimidating. Mean. Bossy.
Smart. Witty. Thoughtful. Beautiful. Talented.
  I've been called everything. But we are programmed to ignore the good, and believe the bad. So over time, I've started to believe it. That I must be mean and intimidating. That I need to change my behavior so people like me. In every single work review I've had, my employer has told me to become more of a leader. That I have the ability and intelligence to be a leader, and I should harness that to take a more active leadership role in the organization, and to take control of my own career. I think that a LOT of my female peers feel the same way, and I am so happy to see this coming to light. We shouldn't be afraid to speak our minds. And we shouldn't be afraid to seem bossy. Because you know what? As Beyoncé says: I'm not bossy. I'm the boss.

This week, I've been working hard to not back down. To not fear embarrassment or rejection. And for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel like I have a little more control over my own life. And it feels great. So next time you feel like calling someone bossy- take a second to think. Are they bossy? Or powerful? 

What about you, blog friends? Are you bossy?