Have Yourself a Merry Little....Life

Remember that quote I posted a few weeks ago from Nelson Mandela, about returning home to an unchanged place, to see how much you yourself have changed? Another year has gone by, and I am making my once-yearly return to my hometown on the side of a mountain in Idaho. Which, no, is not in the Midwest or full of corn. And unlike Mandela's point, I don't really feel like much has changed. I don't love the Holidays, as you know from my earlier posts. I find the to be a really melancholy time. Sitting in the room where I spent almost 13 years, gluing pictures of Blink 182 and Incubus to the walls, looking at old yearbooks, digging out my NYU acceptance letter (which of course I still have) is just a time for me to wonder what could have been, had my life decisions been different.

This was the year where everything was supposed to change. The year where my life finally began, with my person by my side, and a lifetime of joy ahead of me. Instead, all I have to look forward to is that same bedroom, with its Seagrass green walls, and a slightly stained bath mat from that time my friend and I had a little too much wine on Festivus. 

Last year, the holidays were especially difficult for me, because I knew when I went back to "reality", I was packing my bags and taking off on a new adventure, moving to a new city, and committing my life to someone. I was excited. But I was scared. Afraid to leave the place and people I'd loved for eight years, afraid I'd make a mistake by choosing that one person over everyone else. Here we are, 12 months later, and I'm scared of a giant, looming change again. Only this time, I'm going at it completely alone, and not by choice. 

Per a personal holiday tradition, I found myself falling asleep in the bed I've had since 5th grade, just before Christmas, listening to Rowlf & John Denver singing "Have yourself A Merry Little Christmas" and hoping that maybe, next year. But then, I started thinking about something else. This has always been my favorite version of my favorite Christmas song. Mostly because duh, Muppets.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light.

From now on our troubles will be out of sight.

But then, I realized something else. Maybe I am "alone". But here, in this tiny little town are the people who have known and loved me for years, some even decades. I see them once a year- and it never feels different.

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us, once more.

There are many different kinds of love in the world, and unfortunately, sometimes they can fade (or in some cases be torn) away. But the love of family and old friends will always remain, no matter what the situation. And that, for me, has been a bit of a wakeup call.

Through the years we all will be together,

If the fates allow.

This Christmas, I'm giving myself the love of the one person I need most: me.

I'm taking a little bit of a life break for the next two weeks, in the hopes that I can come out of this trip home with some hope for the future. I wish everyone all of the happiness of the season. I'll be back soon enough.

And for Christ's sakes, people. Eat your hoppin' John on New Year's Day.