Yes I'm 25. Yes I love Pretty Little Liars. No, I'm not ashamed. It's the best show to hit TV since The O.C. was cancelled five years ago. Trust me, I have questionable the best taste ever.
When we left the Liars at the end of last season, they were all pulled out of a burning house in the middle of nowhere by Redcoat, who frolicked off on her private puddle jumper, identity still unknown. Which also means that crazy Mona has been taking orders from someone she's never actually met, because schizophrenia, anyone? Also Toby, the world's most hideous TV boyfriend (seriously, they've almost killed him off like twelve times and every time I have such hopes, and then he reappears, looking like the big toe that he is), got framed for the fire, much like he did that other fire that "blinded" Jenna only she's miraculously not blind anymore and potentially a lesbian? In other words, this show is all over the place, per usual. So many questions arose: what was in the trunk? Where the hell is CeCe? When is Spencer going to figure out that applying to college via a random guy at a party probably doesn't work? When are they going to give up on cell phones and go back to pagers?
So naturally, episode 1, season 3: More ridiculousness. Mona is still insane and has a mobile home in a trailer park dedicated to creeping on the liars,and of course they go there to hang out, because why not? The big surprise in the trunk was a dead pig, which means that Jigsaw is clearly A. Some group of little girls of dubious racial makeups who apparently live in the trailer park and wear designer children's clothes happen to have creepy dolls with the same names as the liars, given to them by "Allison". The Hanna doll is fat, which is hilarious. Big Toe and Spencer decide to hit up the charred remains of the cabin and walk around inside, because everyone knows that's safe. Naturally someone is inside with them, but since A is Superman, she's gone before they can see her.
Mona and Hanna decide to lock up the RV/Mobile Home/Luxury on Wheels filled with all of their secrets, instead of, I don't know, destroying the stuff. Ali's Mom returns, only she doesn't really because it's a completely different actress, but since they pulled that move with Jason too, it must be cinematically acceptable to have interchangeable members of the DeLaurentis family. New Ali's mom is a total lunatic and creepjob who likes to stare into Spencer's window at night.
Emily is still dating Paige, the most awkward person ever, who wears horse t-shirts and thinks she can study on "the beach" at Stanford. They have a nice discussion about how they want to be together so Emily should go to Standford, but fail to consider the fact that she'd have to, I don't know, get in. What, like it's hard?
Aria is still doing nothing with her life but wistfully staring at Fitz and wearing terrible outfits.
The episode ends with yet another funeral with a mysterious attendee who sort of looks like Alice Glass with the weird hijab looking thing, but it's lacy so it's fashionable gross. Toby drives the lair, which is now on wheels, to the middle of the woods, because that's where everything happens on PLL.
Naturally, because all they do on PLL is create new storylines instead of answering any lingering questions, I have more questions.
1. Do these girls not have parents? They're in a house that almost catches on fire and nobody notices?
2. When is Spencer going to figure out that her sister is a nutjob?
3. Since when are there trailer parks in Rosewood?
4. Why do the cops not have an issue with the fact that these girls are involved in every murder, fire, break in, or act of vandalism ever?
5. Why did Hanna find it socially acceptable to wear a sweatband to school? And while we're at it, the slutty funeral dress wasn't a good choice either.
Until next week, Liar fans.
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